#YOU WERE FAT AND WE ALLL FUCKING NOTICED

[sampilled]

paper bag by fiona apple playing while I'm in urban outfitters <333 trying and failing to find a cute dress that will fit me <33333 they really want me to kill myself :)

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: week thirty

brief reviews of the songs that debuted on the 8.2.1997, 8.4.2007, and 8.5.2017 editions of the billboard hot 100

8.2.1997

4) "Mo Money Mo Problems," by The Notorious B.I.G. ft./Puff Daddy & Mase

WELCOME BACK. I am refreshed, I have had a nice few days away from pop music, I got that sweet sub-2:30 in LTTP rando, and I'm coming back to this song, which, hey. It's a classic! I have nothing to add to the discussion around this song. This is one of the most enjoyable pop songs ever made, one of the most enjoyable rap songs ever made, people at the peak of their talents figuring out a magical way to rhyme over an incredible beat. Seriously, "I'm Coming Out" is one of the best songs ever made, and this improves on the foundation, and it's just this beautiful, magical place. It's so good. I am incapable of saying anything constructive in regards to this song. They nailed it. I don’t need to tell you how they nailed it because you can hear how they nailed it.

45) "Coco Jamboo," by Mr. President

So my opinion on this song is that I would have rather not listened to it, but a cursory glance of their Wikipedia page shows that this was a #1 single in Sweden. It reigned for five weeks in the fall of 1996, and it was preceded by "Wannabe" and  followed by a song from a band called E-Type named "Free Like a Flying Demon." You know what kind of owns? "Free Like a Flying Demon." It's not quite what I wanted "Free Like a Flying Demon" to sound like, I thought Sweden was still willing to make a #1 hit out of the occasional bitchin' metal jam (I'm probably thinking of Norway, those freaks mosh), but this sounds like a decent Depeche Mode outtake.

72) "Do You Like This," by Rome

Enh! I've had worse. Thank you for asking me how your song was! This review was much easier to write with the prompt! I also appreciate the way this dude is passionately drawing in every single breath. He is inhaling with PURPOSE. He feels these feelings so intensely, he has to gulp in all the oxygen he can so he can properly express his feelings. Also at one point he goes "nnnnnn" for seven seconds. This is the ur-R&B dude song.

75) "Can We," by SWV ft./Missy Elliott

The soundtrack for Booty Call has two unforgettable cuts, both in vastly different ways from each other. This is more in step with what I expected from the Booty Call soundtrack, just a smooth song asking if y'all DTF. Not that song that was just straight-up porn, just a song that sounds like the last half hour at a club and a last-ditch effort to make something happen. I like that. Especially after Rome being over-dramatic, I'm way into a song that's just, "I dunno, it's just sex. Y'all wanna do it or no?"

81) "Fix," by BLACKstreet ft./Ol' Dirty Bastard

WHAT IS THIS I LOVE THIS. HELL YEAH. I am so, so appreciative that BLACKstreet was willing to go on this adventure, and that Ol' Dirty was willing to hop on the bus with them. This was pretty amazing, though, hey, I'll cop to being a sucker for rock guitars where there typically aren't rock guitars. Slash did things! Slash toolded around in the studio for ten minutes and did enough amazing things to be featured in the song! This was hella fun, I hope more R&B artists made hard rock jams in 1997. I want to live in a world where I don't just hear Rome a thousand more times, I wanna hear this overtake Rome and his ilk for the definitive '90s R&B song.

90) "Can't Get You out of My Mind," by Lil' Suzy

Hey! You know how I haven't been that into Europop? You know how I've been enduring these garbage dance songs for the sake of experiencing the odd "Fulton Street" or "Fix?" GUESS WHAT, THIS WHITE GIRL FROM NEW YORK JUST DROPPED CULTURAL APPROPRIATION INTO THE MIX. I know I made fun of "It's Alright, It's OK," but I would listen to a thousand white girl journal entries before I listened to some girl from Brooklyn pretend she's from Hamburg.

You know what I forgot to do last week? The Top 20s! Here’s what 1997 looks like through 30 weeks. 20) "Step by Step," by Whitney Houston (3.15) 19) "Can We," by SWV ft./Missy Elliott (8.2) 18) "On and On," by Erykah Badu (1.25) 17) "I Want You," by Savage Garden (3.1) 16) "It Must Be Love," by Robin S. (5.24) 15) "Smokin' Me Out," by Warren G ft./Ronald Isley (6.21) 14) "Fix," by BLACKstreet ft./Ol' Dirty Bastard (8.2) 13) "Silent All These Years," by Tori Amos (3.22) 12) "What They Do," by The Roots (1.11) 11) "Step Into a World (Rapture's Delight)," by KRS-One (4.5) 10) "I'm Not Feeling You," by Yvette Michele (2.22) 9) "Bill," by Peggy Scott-Adams (3.29) 8) "Just Another Case," by CRU ft./Slick Rick (7.5) 7) "I'll Be," by Foxy Brown ft./Jay-Z (2.15) 6) "Felton St.," Leschea (6.14) 5) "Bitch," by Meredith Brooks (4.26) 4) "Mo Money, Mo Problems," by The Notorious B.I.G. ft./Puff Daddy & Mase (8.2) 3) "Return of the Mack," by Mark Morrison (3.1) 2) "Hypnotize," by The Notorious B.I.G. (4.26) 1) "Not Tonight (Ladies' Night Remix)," by Lil Kim ft./Angie Martinez, Left Eye, Da Brat & Missy Elliott (7.12)

8.4.2007

6) "What Time Is It," from the cast of High School Musical 2

Given that there will be hella High School Musical 2 in this space four weeks from now, I'd like to reserve the right to have a comment on High School Musical 2 until such a time that it is appropriate. This song is fun! Make sure to come back in four weeks to hear me say that again but longer!

7) "Sorry, Blame it on Me," Akon

...Did anyone else notice that Akon released an album in 2017? In this calendar year! I know it's hard to keep track of alll the things that are happening, what with the president yelling about how he can pardon himself and all, but I went to the AZLyrics page to clarify some of the lyrics, to, y'know, make fun of this shitty song where Akon is only passively-aggressively taking the blame ("even though the blame's on you/you can put the blame on me" christ dude either own your shit or don't), but there's an Akon album called Stadium with the number 2017 in parentheses next to it and song titles under it! The songs have lyrics! One song has a Ludacris feature! Oh, man. This is one album I am not going to listen to! (Follow-up: looks like it’s yet to be released. I am sorry for teasing you like this, I know how much you have been looking forward to hearing new Akon.)

85) "Ready, Set, Don't Go," Billy Cyrus

Everything about this song is gross and awful and I hate that it exists and I hate how it was brought to existence and I wish I had watched a lyric video instead of the music video because I hate looking at this freeloader's face. "This is where I don't say what I want so bad to say." YOU RELEASED THIS SONG TO RADIO. SHE CAN HEAR YOU. JUST NAME THE SONG "I DESIRE ATTENTION AND AM SO VERY HAPPY MY DAUGHTER ENDED UP BEIN' FAMOUS."

88) "You Can't Stop the Beat," from the cast of Hairspray

In 2007, there were multiple feature-length musical comedies featuring Zac Efron. It's not that we didn't have anyone else that could sing and dance while acting. We just decided to let Zac Efron have a go at it. Also, while I have not seen this film (either original or remake, would much rather see the original), I am so glad it exists. So, so very glad there is room in some subculture for John Travolta in drag and a fat suit.

89) "Bed," J. Holiday

Dipping back into 2007 R&B is weird after so much 1997 R&B because I have to come up with something different to say than "'90s R&B, amirite?" This song, though, it's always been a personal favorite. It's over-the-top, but it never feels silly, settles in this nice groove where it's this ridiculous song about fucking. It's probably a mid-tier '90s R&B song, but this was kind of the best 2007 had to offer; I'm not sure why else I'd remember it if it weren't the among the strongest things R&B had to offer that year. Fun fact! J. Holiday's most recent single is called "After We Fuck." Getting better with age like a fine, horny wine.

90) "Can't Leave 'Em Alone," Ciara ft./50 Cent

This is nice! (many hours pass) Nope, nope, still haven't formed any grander opinion on this song. Ciara whispers prettily, and Fiddy doesn't do anything to make the song less chill. Real quick? Team? Team? Real quick? I don't mean to presume, but I'm pretty sure the niceness of this song means the best song to debut on the Billboard chart the week of 4 August 2007 was "You Can't Stop the Beat." Guys, I know I've had my issues with 2017's music, but that's because it's boring. There's nothing wrong with boring, but the problem ends up being that the songs are just there, they're incredibly average. 2007 hasn't been funky in weeks. It's just been bad. Like, look at next week: you have "Stronger," which is a classic, but then three county dudes and whatever "Hood Figga" is gonna end up being. It's easy to yell at 2017 because it's new and we want it to be better, and we can yell at 1997 because of the occasional dip into horrible Eurodance, but I don't think any of the three years has wasted more of my time with songs that just blandly exist than 2007.

97) "Stranger," Hilary Duff

It's like someone decided to take "Beautiful Liar" and add 100% more of everything. Honestly, if they're gonna follow up "With Love" with this, I should be allowed to make whatever mean joke I made in the "With Love" review. If they're not gonna put any effort into their music, I shouldn't have to put effort into the review. (I think I've used that line in a previous review, so look at that, I'm doing it anyway, probably!)

99) "Online," Brad Paisley

This is one of the best country songs about catfishing in existence, as well as the only country song about the internet version of catfishing. This is a fine companion piece for "High Maintenance Woman," and my headcanon is that the maintenance man is also the main character of this song. I will never not appreciate Brad Paisley playing guitar and dad jokes, I can appreciate this very dad summary of how the internet works, and you KNOW your boy appreciates any song with a tuba section, however brief. It won't keep a cover of a 20-year-old musical closer from being the best 2007 song of the week, but it's a song with some degree of depth (and any degree of sweet, sweet tuba) that we can enjoy, and that's kinda "best-case scenario" territory with 2007 songs.

It has been nearly two months since we updated the 2007 Top 20. Since then, one new song has been added. 20) "Lip Gloss," by Lil Mama (6.9.2007) 19) "I Don't Wanna Stop," by Ozzy Osbourne (5.26.2007) 18) "Stolen," by Dashboard Confessional (4.21.2007) 17) "Beautiful Liar," by Beyonce & Shakira (3.31.2007) 16) "Cupid's Chokehold," by Gym Class Heroes ft./Patrick Stump (1.13.2007) 15) "The River," by Good Charlotte ft./M. Shadows & Synyster Gates (2.10.2007) 14) "Say OK," by Vanessa Hudgens (2.17.2007) 13) "Alyssa Lies," by Jason Michael Carroll (1.13.2007) 12) "Never Again," by Kelly Clarkson (5.12.2007) 11) "Can't Tell Me Nothing," by Kanye West (6.16.2007) 10) "Get Buck," by Young Buck (4.14.2007) 9) "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going," by Jennifer Hudson (1.13.2007) 8) "Thnks fr th Mmrs," by Fall Out Boy (4.28.2007) 7) "Candyman," by Christina Aguilera (1.13.2007) 6) "Misery Business," by Paramore (7.21.2007) 5) "Because of You," by Ne-Yo (3.17.2007) 4) "Umbrella," by Rihanna ft./Jay-Z (4.28.2007) 3) "Beautiful Flower," by India.Arie (6.16.2007) 2) "Dashboard," by Modest Mouse (2.17.2007) 1) "The Story," by Brandi Carlile (4.28.2007)

8.5.2017

75) "A Lie," by French Montana ft./The Weeknd & Max B

Like, this is what I mean when I say 2017 is incredibly average. I remember mostly enjoying the two French Montana songs on the chart, but I don't remember anything that happened in these songs. They don't do anything. They just exist, and they're pleasant to listen to, but no one's taking any risks. There's nothing wrong with a B-, B- is still above-average, but my stars, why settle? Does no one want an A? What are we doing here. What was I supposed to hear in this song to make me believe there are only 74 songs currently in existence which best encapsulate the present moment. It's not bad, I just want something to care about.

86) "Jerika," by Jake Paul & Erika Costell ft./Uncle Kade

This is a love song by a man who, every time he has ever seen any banana in his life, will chuckle, point, and say, "Penis." If I could go back in time and stop myself from starting this project, I would not, because my life is better for having "Felton St." and "Bill" and "Get Buck" and "It Ain't Me" in it, but I would give that time machine a long, long look before deciding not to board.

91) "Young Dumb & Broke," by Khalid

Absolutely fuck this song. Fuck this PBR'n'B version of an anthem. Fuck this dude's ironic detachment, fuck this go nowhere track, fuck that dumb Rodney Dangerfield-ass joke in the second verse, fuck whoever told this dude he was complex, and fuck the naked appeal to the #teens. American Teen. Do #teens actually listen to media with "teen" in the title? I mean, they must, they've been making songs with "teen" in the title since before Billboard published charts, but this song isn't for teens as it is for pretentious music writers who want to write thinkpieces about the state of R&B. This stupid song probably got an entire Slate article published about it by now, and he's only 19 for seven more months, and boy, won't it be a drag when he can no longer substitute his age for an identiy. What a fucking bore.

96) "Woman," by Kesha ft./The Dap-Kings Horns

Y'ALL, FUCK YEAH. Like, last week's song was last week's song, and I respect that it needed to be made. But you know what I like? I like when someone shouts about how happy they are to be alive over a saucy horn section, AND GOT DAMN, THIS DELIVERED ON THE PROMISE OF THE TITLE. Everything about this is good and pure and should be enjoyed without reservation and a daily fixture at every karaoke bar and shouted from the top of every mountain simultaneously and goddamnit it's not gonna be on the chart next week, is it. (This is only gonna be #18 on the list. When 2017 is on, it is goddamned ON, and that's what makes enduring the French Montanas and Khalids such a chore, because I know they can do better! They have done better, and frequently!) But man, this song, I am in love with the Scissor Sisters-y breakdown, I am going to buy space on the Jumbotron at a baseball game to propose to that breakdown, this song muthafuckin' rules.

Seriously tho the 2017 Top 20? 20) "Felices los 4," by Maluma (6.3) 19) "Bodak Yellow," by Cardi B (7.22) 18) "Woman," by Kesha ft./The Dap-Kings Horns (8.5) 17) "Smile," by Jay-Z ft./Gloria Carter (7.29) 16) "Love Galore," by SZA ft./Travis Scott (7.1) 15) "Bad Liar," by Selena Gomez (6.3) 14) "DNA." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 13) "It Ain't Me," by Kygo x Selena Gomez (3.4) 12) "Craving You," by Thomas Rhett ft./Maren Morris (4.22) 11) "That's What I Like," by Bruno Mars (3.4) 10) "Chanel," by Frank Ocean ft./A$AP Rocky (4.1) 9) "Strangers," by Halsey ft./Lauren Jauregui (6.17) 8) "Either Way," by Chris Stapleton (5.27) 7) "Run Up," by Major Lazer ft./PARTYNEXTDOOR & Nicki Minaj (2.18) 6) "Green Light," by Lorde (3.18) 5) "ELEMENT." by Kendrick Lamar (5.6) 4) "Despacito," by Luis Fonsi ft./Daddy Yankee (2.4) 3) "Issues," by Julia Michaels (2.11) 2) "iSpy," by KYLE ft./Lil Yachty (1.14) 1) "Hard Times," by Paramore (5.13) There’s been hella jams in 2017, like there’s a reason it and ‘97 are tied in the standings (SPOILERTH), but man, you just get tired of hearing the same shit all the time, y’know?

Won won the week?

1997 won this week incredibly hard. 2017 put up a good fight at the end, but man, 1997 started strong and never looked back.

Current standings: 1997: 11 2017: 11 2007: 8 2007 is lagging behind, but next week is “Stronger” week, and 1997 doesn’t look to be lining up the strongest contenders, though I could be wrong and Nastyboy Kiick could be ready to dazzle me. What will 2017 bring to the table, and can Kanye carry a bunch of schmucks to a W? Find out!